I had a nightmare this morning… involving my home, a strange new roommate, and some form of home invasion. You see in this dream my Mom was living with me.. and while sleeping through the night a bunch of teenage boys had entered my home and were trashing the place.

It wasn’t that they threatened me per say but there was an overwhelming sense of alarm and fear in me. I did not know they’re faces yet they seemed to feel absolutely entitled to act as they wish in my house. Next thing I know I turn the corner into my living room and my brother is there. SHOCK.

*I really should preface this story by giving a little background. I don’t write about this publicly, ever. It hurts too much. It feels too foreign to even acknowledge. Still this reality, and I need to let it out. My younger brother choose almost a year ago to live with his father full time. Turning 16 this coming September, such a decision does not seem too off base for a normal teenage boy. However, adding insult to injury he has also chosen to almost completely cut both me and my Mom out of his life. Growing up it was always the three of us… rarely a day would go by when we would not communicate. My Mom and him were so close. Always going on new adventures. Once they even planned a trip up the coast of So Cal based solely on Ryan and his skate parks. This is the kind of Mom I have! Our home had no shortage of love. So when he made this choice it killed us both.

It’s kind of like how after a brake up you wake up in the morning with that pit in your stomach. When you finally arise from slumber completely you have that moment to reflect on if it all is indeed “real”. Come on, you know that moment of check in. We all do. Well it’s like that but it never goes away. AND it’s the ultimate love of your life. It’s heartbreaking. Go figure, I finally regain a relationship with my Dad and loose one with my brother. I just don’t understand. Enough of the sad ranting though. Sorry folks.

Back to the dream… So I turn the corner and there he is. Only he is so mean in person. SO cold. I ask why he has let his friends in my house to trash the place and he replies with something cold. I cant seem to capture the words anymore. It’s been 20 minutes or so since I have awoken by now. He leaves my place with his friends and that’s it.

I wake up.

The feeling of alarm is still ringing in my head. I feel shaky, and overwhelmed. It is the first time in 9 months that I have even been able to dream of him. I think it is in my nature to block out and protect myself from severe hurt, even on the dream level. Still I couldn’t escape this one. I am crying as I write this.. and in a weird way what upsets me the most, is this is the only way I am able to see his face anymore.

I miss him more than humanly imaginable. His face, his hugs, his energy. SO above all the fear and conflict in my nightmare.. I am so grateful I was able to see him. Even if only in a dream.

I love you little bear.

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