July 22nd, 2010
I had a nightmare this morning… involving my home, a strange new roommate, and some form of home invasion. You see in this dream my Mom was living with me.. and while sleeping through the night a bunch of teenage boys had entered my home and were trashing the place.
It wasn’t that they threatened me per say but there was an overwhelming sense of alarm and fear in me. I did not know they’re faces yet they seemed to feel absolutely entitled to act as they wish in my house. Next thing I know I turn the corner into my living room and my brother is there. SHOCK.
*I really should preface this story by giving a little background. I don’t write about this publicly, ever. It hurts too much. It feels too foreign to even acknowledge. Still this reality, and I need to let it out. My younger brother choose almost a year ago to live with his father full time. Turning 16 this coming September, such a decision does not seem too off base for a normal teenage boy. However, adding insult to injury he has also chosen to almost completely cut both me and my Mom out of his life. Growing up it was always the three of us… rarely a day would go by when we would not communicate. My Mom and him were so close. Always going on new adventures. Once they even planned a trip up the coast of So Cal based solely on Ryan and his skate parks. This is the kind of Mom I have! Our home had no shortage of love. So when he made this choice it killed us both.
It’s kind of like how after a brake up you wake up in the morning with that pit in your stomach. When you finally arise from slumber completely you have that moment to reflect on if it all is indeed “real”. Come on, you know that moment of check in. We all do. Well it’s like that but it never goes away. AND it’s the ultimate love of your life. It’s heartbreaking. Go figure, I finally regain a relationship with my Dad and loose one with my brother. I just don’t understand. Enough of the sad ranting though. Sorry folks.
Back to the dream… So I turn the corner and there he is. Only he is so mean in person. SO cold. I ask why he has let his friends in my house to trash the place and he replies with something cold. I cant seem to capture the words anymore. It’s been 20 minutes or so since I have awoken by now. He leaves my place with his friends and that’s it.
I wake up.
The feeling of alarm is still ringing in my head. I feel shaky, and overwhelmed. It is the first time in 9 months that I have even been able to dream of him. I think it is in my nature to block out and protect myself from severe hurt, even on the dream level. Still I couldn’t escape this one. I am crying as I write this.. and in a weird way what upsets me the most, is this is the only way I am able to see his face anymore.
I miss him more than humanly imaginable. His face, his hugs, his energy. SO above all the fear and conflict in my nightmare.. I am so grateful I was able to see him. Even if only in a dream.
I love you little bear.
July 19th, 2010
Okay… so not everything goes as planned. Reality check in full effect. That’s pretty much all I got.
Bed made. Pilates, check. Coffee sipping… morning pages done.
Now what?
Can’t help but think that this is the universe’s way of making me stop and smell the flowers.
Breath in… breath out ♥
July 3rd, 2010
I’m angry. I’m angry and in front of my computer blogging. This can get dangerous.
What the hell….
I have found that people have the best of intentions until that one fleeting moment where they throw it all out of the window. We are only human after all.. desires can consume one’s sense of rational until they are appeased. Especially carnal desires… so we live moment to moment.. some people escape in that phrase. Some people are so self loathing that moment to moment is the only way the day is passed. It is so much easier to not be accountable. Some people string those careless moments together and weave a basket to carry their ego in.
I am irate. I have managed to make it through my entire life without cheating anyone. Notice I did not say “on”. (Which I have not done either actually), but back to my point. People cheat people, people sometimes cheat themselves. All of this is fear based. I keep wondering what my lesson is here. I have encountered this chapter before and apparently I did not fulfill my end of the learning process. Damn.
I believe in people. I believe people can change. However, I do not know if it is realistic that anyone can change for a relationship. Maybe future one’s… maybe previous one’s.. bt not the current one.
I’m talking in circles. Seeing red.
Accountability, look it up.
June 24th, 2010
I love love.
I love the way it smells.
The way it feels.
I love how it wraps it’s arms around my waist and squeezes the honey out of me.
I love the way it moves.
The way it kisses me in the morning.
I LOVE the morning.
I love it’s taste in music… always changing.
I love the way it moves lyrics through my body.
I love the way it speaks.
I love the way it unravels me.
Just when I think I am done I become swept up in it again.
I love being it’s lady.
I love love.
I love the way it smells.
I love the way it feels…me.
April 22nd, 2010
It’s in me to talk myself out of it.. to block away all that’s good and walk away holding all the judgment. It’s in me to point out my wrong notes.. to shy away from the idea of perfection and hold onto the false implications of perception. It’s in me to say no. To quit before the race is won and watch as the sun sets on my “what if’s”. It’s in me to say F*%^ Y@#$!! to what I am too scared to understand and hide in my ignorance. It’s in me to blanket myself in the though of fairy-tales that come true without labor… BUT more than that….. it’s in me to fight. To work hard and battle the fright within that escapes me from time to time. To allow myself to judge myself, write it down on a piece of paper and let it go…
If I judge myself so harshly that no one else get’s to see what I am capable of because of it, then I am truly a waste of talent and space.
FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. STAND UP FOR YOUR IDEAS. BELIEVE IN THE BIGGER PICTURE.
February 7th, 2010
I went to my cousins baby shower today. She was glowing. Pregnancy suits her. The house was organized and maintained to a T. Each room was filled with my relatives and family friends alike. The smell of roast beef and vegetable sewers filled the air and all was as it should be. This afternoon, for a few short hours I found myself in the midst of the “American Dream”.
Now I know that I have been living in a bubble of artistry and self fulfillment for a few years… and as ridiculous as this may sound, in my world I lightly assumed that we had grown passed the ideals of a secular family unit and traded it in for self empowerment. I have turned a blind eye to the idea of settling down anytime soon. Not only have I struggled to find security with any relationship I have entered.. but more than that I am not sure I am fulfilled on my own quite yet. I have more to say, write, share, sing… perform. Or so I tell myself.
True that everyone’s paths are different and it is unfair for me to compare. However, today with a veggie skewer and diet Pepsi in hand… I found the most appetizing thing in the room to be COMMITMENT and new life. It is intoxicating. It is joyful. It is illuminated with high hopes and fairy tale’s… dancing into my heart though the sweet smell of baby powder.
